I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
