Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
