She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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