turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
