I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
