well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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