oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
