i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
