Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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