I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
