So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
