I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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