she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
