Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
organizing the empties. That sober.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
