he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
