Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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