I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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