I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
