Dude my mom stole all your condoms
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
