I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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