Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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