dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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