Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
