U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
