Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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