I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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