I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
