I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
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