1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
love makes seman taste better
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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