I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
