he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
