just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize