i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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