I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize