Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
