she was so not down for the gang bang
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
