Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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