Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
