when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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