I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
