mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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