The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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