pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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