i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
