if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
