I smell stomach acid.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
