Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
