so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
