Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
