Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
