I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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