Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
