Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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