Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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