Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
