Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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