I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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