i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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