youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
