Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize