I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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