It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
