He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
