i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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