Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
